


peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeendildolum

by Shitpostulum



Category: Pendulum/Knife Party
Genre: Crack, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-01 00:21:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 19,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2752607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shitpostulum/pseuds/Shitpostulum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there's nothing that can summarize this thing, just make sure to read the warnings page first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. content warnings + disclaimer

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/52034) by Secondpillow. 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> content warnings + disclaimer

Chapters "shitpost" and "shitpost part deux" contain graphic scat content.

The story across the board contains copious amounts of insect sex.

It is also riddled with many references to placentas, pregnancy, and birth, making it unsuitable for people with tokophobia.

also please note that while this story does not contain actual rape as i do not find rape to be funny in any context, there are still mild incidents of violence with sexual things, such as characters getting attacked with dildos, or getting dickslapped. please keep that in mind; i have attempted to make all of these incidents ridiculous enough that they are in no way comparable to the trauma that real life sexual assault victims experience, but be aware of this content so you can take care of your own health if need be.

Some chapters may still contain jokes in really bad taste, like trigger jokes, which i no longer find funny as i have grown as a person since writing those chapters. Jokes of that nature I made when I was a less educated person, at a time when I didn't understand how harmful those jokes actually are to groups of people who are suffering. While I have gone through and purged these harmful jokes from the story, if I missed any, please let me know and I will edit out any oversights accordingly.

All the dirty jokes in the story I intend to be harmless and in a purely lighthearted, comedic fashion. If anything in this story is genuinely harming anyone apart from inherently harmless content that you need not subject yourself to, please let me know and I will alter or remove it.

It goes without saying that a wild ride of this magnitude should not be taken seriously. This is a work of comedy and is in no way, shape or form intended to make commentary on the real life members of the band Pendulum. These are fictional counterparts completely removed from their real life bases for the sake of a mad comedy; think of them as original characters who look the same and have the same names as real life band members.

if any of the actual members of this wonderful band come across this story and are uncomfortable with it, I will remove it from AO3 without hesitation if you ask me to, just provide proof that you're really a Pendulum member and not some rando trying to troll, e.g. logged in on Twitter, etc. i am a fan who was inspired by a wacky Harry Potter story to write a similar story for my favorite band, it is not my intention to hurt any of the band members that i cherish so much.

The same applies for the band members' significant others, who also have character counterparts in this story, and the other real-life people who have cameos. if you ask me to edit or remove chapters that you're in and provide proof of your identity, i will take them down or edit you out of the story without hesitation.


	2. the skull rapture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gareth's skull enrages rob

Rob Swire was sick and tired of Gareth's fetid skull singing about the Rapture, so he punched a hamburger straight through its hideous shell, which made Gareth's face fly off and into Ben Mount's lap where it sniffed his crotch because Kevin Sawka turns into a cantaloupe every 4:53 PM EST on the dot.

Gareth was so enraged, his buttcheeks exploded tornadoes made of adrenaline lasers at Rob. Rob snorted them then shot his nose at Peredur, who was impaled by its sharpness and turned into a dragon which exploded and made every galaxy beyond the visible universe explode too, and the explosions sang shitty autotune feces about rat orgies on crow corpses while the sun cackled.

El Hornet hated suns so he stung Bee and ripped his brain out on his sharp toxic penis, then stuffed it up Ben's dickhole. Ben roared as he scratched El Hornet's face off then offered it to the god of poop as a sacrifice, but the god of poop hated faces so he descended to Earth and stomped on Kevin's hair, ruining it and making the galaxy cry.

Kevin flexed his thighs then kicked the god of poop, making him explode, flinging shitty shrapnel all over Paul Kodish's house and killing the pair of skinny dippers deep in a river.

Gareth's faceless skull bit onto Kevin's steel buttocks, turning Gareth into a terminator which was really just a hamburger in a mechsuit, the very hamburger which vowed vengeance on the cunthole who used it for suffering rather than guilty pleasure.

The shards of Peredur reassembled then caught the ground on fire as he withdrew, from the void where Rob Swire's heart should be but never was, his guitar. With this weapon he struck Ben, knocking his head right off his body and into orbit. Ben's head used its mating call, summoning meteor aliens who reproduce by singing, which turns dark matter into clones of themselves. These meteors crashed into Gareth, who made sinful love to their craterholes while El Hornet and Bee fapped to German furry feet inflation porn together.

Peredur was sick of the fucking alcoholic bug who isn't even Pendulum so he ripped Bee's intestines out then threw them at Paul Kodish's lawn ornaments. The ornaments revolted, shooting Peredur with pistols made of alchemy books and explosions.

Peredur roared right through space and time as he murdered the lawn ornaments by shooting them with pressurized milk from his nipples. But a lawn ornament survived, and pressed a button which was on a cloud, summoning an organization of meteorites who really hate amniotes. The meteorites punched Earth's crust, making every amniotic sac in every womb and shelled egg explode at once, and turning the dry, water-retentive skin of every amniote into pasta which the master madagascar pissing cockroach, or watersport cockroach, race ate.

A watersport cockroach named Derti fired a placenta from her highly evolved roach vagina at Rob Swire's skinless, saucy skull. The skull screamed, then flew off the vertebrae and into another dimension where it bit the genitals of succubi while they ate lasers from the womb of Satan who is also a succubus.

The succubi pulled Russian MiGs from their muffs then beat SwireSkull with them until he returned to his dimension of origin and bit his own skinless body in the coccyx. His therapsid skull merged with the vestigial ass vertebrae, then the meteorites felt remorse for being cunts so they restored the dry skin of all amniotes. Rob's assface cackled as it extincted the meteorites by vomiting amniotic fluid on the galaxy. It then ate the last lawn ornament and spit it at Gareth's restored face, which swallowed it then laughed.

Derti had enough of this peace so she drugged Gareth with her aphrodesiac sex piss then, using her leg spines, scarified a pornographic Garob tramp stamp on his fresh, tattoo-free skin.

Gareth screamed which spit the drugged piss right back down Derti's throat. He ripped off one her legs then used it to cover the tattoo with a picture of Derti being sodomized by the succubi and their MiGs while Satan rubbed her tits to the scene. The perverse thought gave Gareth a sinful boner, which made God eat itself and Gareth's cross necklace disintegrate.

Ben smashed his fists through Peredur, Kevin, and El Hornet, gaining their powers, then rained pendulums down upon the Earth, killing all but Pendulum who became gods. They revived the world and continue to fight over the remote in their pantheon to this day.


	3. dinklebutt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rob has dinkle berry butt

All was well in the Pendulum pantheon until the fateful day when Rob got a dinkleberry because his ass was too hairy. He shrieked as he rocketed through the walls which were constructed from melted pendulum blade metal, until crashing into Ben while he was masturbating to pictures of his mortal wife.

Ben was enraged, so he dickslapped Rob, then threw him off the cloud which was their plot of land due to the high costs of land these days. The dinkleberry detached from Rob's buttfur then flew up Ben's dickhole where it fused with Bee's brain in his testicles, becoming a fetus which climbed into Ben's prostate, using it as a womb and making him pregnant.

Not ready to be a mom, Ben screamed then flew into the sun. Rob landed on a Lamborghini named Rambo, who was a hooker, so Rob got a hood job real quick then proposed to her. The car squawked then slapped Rob with a goat made of pink tornadoes on fire. Rob aggressively snorted the goat, then stuffed his nose up the car's exhaust pipe. Rambo's fetish was nose-pipe jobs. She accepted his proposal.

The wedding was a stunningly mind-blowing experience, usurped perhaps only by its afterparty - truly an occasion of a lifetime for all who patroned the lavish car show venue, its walls decked with laces woven from golden orb weaver silk, the cookies so delicious they threatened to ascend their consumers to kingdom come. The DJ, Klayton, spun a mix of Pendulum tracks with his own, a sound so divine it was unfit for mortal ears.

The party was crashed, however, by Ben. He had pieces of the sun in his hair, so he started throwing them at the party guests. A stray sun piece landed upon and ignited Rambo's dress, which in turn ruined her fresh wedding wax. Rambo was so pissed, she shot Ben with motorcycle blood from her broken heart. The impact knocked the baby out of Ben's dickhole. It was a bee made of poop, and developed enough to be viable. The poobee attacked Rob, ruining his suit. Rob caught poobee, ripped his shitty heart out, then stuffed it up his venomless stingerdick.

Ben realized Rob and Rambo truly were soulmates.

He shed a manly tear from his ruined dickhole, then made them a new dress and suit from poobee's brain cells. He joined Klayton in DJing.

The party was so awesome all its patrons died.

They joined Pendulum and Rambo in the pantheon.

Klayton was left behind. He plotted revenge.


	4. klayton's revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> klayton has his vengeance

Klayton angrily gnawed on Klaydoll, deep in contemplation. He spit a single red hair fiber through Bret's bony throat, causing him to vomit jet fuel which exploded both of them to the Pentheon and turned Bret's nipples into hemispheres of Scardonia. Bret took these rock-nipples off and pocketed them, to use as a sacrifice to MUNkeh as payment for his siren chords.

Klayton's hair combusted into flaming lasers which he used to headbutt the Pentheon into Jupiter. The planet hated pantheons so it threw the Pentheon back at Earth, but it landed on the moon instead.

Klayton exploded his hair, launching him to the moon. He roared then bit into the building's steel walls with his massively muscled jaws, the might of which shames even the dinosaurs.

Klayton chewed a hole big enough to climb through, which lead to the game room. He entered, then puked the chewed-up metal on El Hornet's mustache. Klayton bit off Gareth's head then spit it at Rob, at 5 times the speed of light, the skull becoming bloody hurricanes and the velocity becoming plasma on cocaine!

The head of Gareth screeched like a cricket having an orgasm as it punched through Rob's furry chest and into the void where a heart would be in anyone else. It ate the void then farted from the neckhole antimatter which turned Rob into a basilisk made of knives and emotions!

Robalisk stuffed Klayton and Bret up his cloaca then fired them at the sun. They punched the sun, making it explode. They ate its carcass with their rectums then shat miniature brown dwarfs at the Pentheon. Robalisk sniffed all these dwarves then fired them back at a googolplex point five meters per second. The dwarves knocked Klayton and Bret into another universe, a world where space was chocolate and stars were the eyes of dogs in wheelchairs, whose stomachs were fleshy motorcycles and whose genitals were made of deity brain matter. Also, their skin was pizza and their noses were black holes.

These dogs began chanting in tongues as they churned the chocolate which comprised all of their existence. Klayton and Bret were sucked into a maelstrom of chocolate which flung them into a land so unknown to science it does not even have a hypothetical name. This place was made entirely of tachyons except they flew backwards and through time instead of space, and all its colors were colors which don't exist in any other universe. The brains of Klayton and Bret exploded in reverse, unable to process this world.

At last, the Pentheon was safe...for now.

Somewhere on Earth, Skrillex waxed his assault UFO.


	5. the skrillUFO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> skrillex has a UFO

The UFO laughed as it glowered upon the Pentheon, growing ever larger in the horizon as the ship neared its destination.

Within, Skrillex leered even more fiercely at the filthy effigy of a pantheon. That should be him feasting upon alien placenta and the tears of lesser producers, in his own pantheon!

Skrillex roared as he throttled full-force into the Pentheon, disintegrating a wall into antimatter which was inverted in hyperspace and its inverted antimatter atoms flung to the mindfuck dimension. Klayton and Bret ate the atoms, allowing them to regrow their brains and to fuse, granting them sufficient power to escape the mindfuck dimension!

Breyton headbutted the UFO with his flaming laser hair, making the UFO scream and causing the space around them to scream too, the screams being liek a cacophony of crying babies. This sound flicked Rob's death switch, allowing him to become Space Baphomet!

Space Baphomet punched up the exhaust of the UFO, ripping from it Skrillex, who had become his true Skrillien form. He had six arms, 25 belly buttons and his organs were antimatter synthesizers. Skrillien roared as he overpowered then fisted Super Baphomet with all 6 arms at once, pulling his flesh out of his body through his rectum, which he threw at Gareth, who was plastered in the demonic Rob viscera and screeched like a pterodactyl having an orgasm as the flesh seeped into his skin, down into his stomach and lungs, merging with him and turning him into Garob, the unholy Skrillien antithesis!

Garob screeched so loud, the universe turned yellow, then gored Skrillien so hard his arms fell off. He shoved these arms down Skrillien's throat, then tore his guts out through his throat and shoved them up his rectum, bringing the karmic pendulum down.

Garob split back into Gareth and Rob. Breyton similarly split back into Bret and Klayton. They called a truce, and shortly returned to their lives as usual.

Until the fateful day when the Pentheon invested in a sweeper to clean up Gareth's floorshits...


	6. vacuum tiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter was contributed by electricbluetempest of tumblr.) gareth likes the vacuum too much

The silence of the Pendulum pantheon was broken by a loud suction noise and Gareth’s muffled voice. He had tried to have sex with the vacuum again, and for the third time this week, his dick got stuck. Rob was unamused by his bandmate’s idiocy, so he set the vacuum to “blow”, turned Gareth’s dick into a dickballoon, and twisted it into the shape of a puppy. Gareth was enraged by this, partly because he was just about to orgasm when Rob interrupted, and partly because he wanted a giraffe.

Gareth caber-tossed Rob into El Hornet’s room, where he was triple-fisting himself. Rob got up and shrieked, breaking Paul Kodish’s sunglasses before he jumped through the roof and into outer space. Rob retrieved the rings of Saturn and brought them back to the Pentheon. Ben stole it so he could use it as the world’s largest cock ring. Rob kicked Gareth in the shin, deflating his dickballoon into a flaccid rubbery husk.  
Ben Mount snorted part of the ring, which was made of highly potent space cocaine, causing him to grow to 100x his normal height. Ben fled to Mars where he befriended the land rovers before tossing them into a black hole because he was bored. In the Pentheon, Gareth was crying like a little diaper baby over his popped dickballoon before Peredur caught wind of everything. He then ripped out a chunk of his hair and stuffed it into Gareth’s dickhole to shut him up.

Rob was too busy taking a shit in the neighbor pantheon’s pool to care about what his foolish cohorts were doing. Then Kevin bit the back of Rob’s neck and picked him up like a mother cat carrying her kitten, and brought him back to the Pentheon. Their task was now clear, they had to get Ben back somehow. Ben was still on Mars, rapping into the vacuum of space as a crowd of alien groupies fawned over him.  
Two hours later, after devising a cleverly crafted plan, Pendulum was ready to spring into action. This was all for naught, as their rocket to get to Mars (which was actually just Rob shooting landmines out his nose carrying each member one by one) was now unnecessary. Ben was dangling between Earth and the vacuum of space, after getting his tongue stuck on Antarctica. He had also man-queefed out all the excess air in his system, shrinking him back down to normal size.

"What have we learned?" A stern Rob asked Ben as soon as they ripped his tongue off the ice.

Ben looked at the ground sheepishly. “Vacuums give amazing blowjobs and don’t steal from planets that aren’t yours.”

This kindergarten after school special was just cheesy enough to warp the very laws of reason enough that every man in the universe’s facial hair turned into diamonds. Pendulum all marveled at their new sparkly effigies of stubbly wonderment, especially El Hornet who had the most wealth suddenly spring from his face. This angered Paul Kodish, who slapped Rob, popping a landmine out of his nose. Kodish flung the landmine at El Hornet and flipped him off. They returned to the Pentheon just in time for Gareth to teach Peredur and Kevin how to get a blow job from the vacuum.


	7. in silogogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pendulum becomes a universal thing

668 days after the treaty to ban all vacuum cleaners in the Pentheon was passed due to a traumatic dick injury an angry vacuum inflicted upon Paul Kodish (which is why he left the band), another law, far more controversial than its predecessor even, would be passed. But before this law's title is revealed, we must first flash back to the crisis which invoked it to begin with.

Outside of Peredur's occasional draconic delusions and Kevin's werecanteloupe curse, the Pentheon housed the most almighty, perfect deities the universe and beyond has ever dared to perceive. The diverse peoples living across the cosmos bore no shame at all in tossing aside their own religions, erecting upon the rubble of the old temples and churches elaborate, circular maze-like holy structures they dubbed In Siligogues. Crafted from silica sand and granite, powered and heated by propane, and precisely 9000 miles in diameter, the In Silogogues are the holiest and most sacred structures in all existence. No one dares bring vacuum cleaners into them, for they are extensions of the Pentheon itself.

The devout patrons of these mighty In Siligogues, known as the Penduluminati, spread their way of life not with shady, fear-mongering tactics, but rather the songs of their people, the music to melt faces. With no reason to not dedicate their livelihoods to the divine and flawless sounds of Pendulum, the entire universe was united under a common religion.

...The entire universe, except for one being. The Penduluminati converted all but the king of hipsters!

The king of hipsters, whose blood coursed with the disembodied cell shells of mainstream poopfucks, howled as he smashed In Siligogues with his crusty asscheeks. His blasphemic shittery infuriated Rob, who dove down from the Pentheon, divebombing the hipster king with his nose. It connected with the left lens of glasses which were so huge they were not only bulletproof, but Swirenoseproof!

The hipster king ripped his glasses off then swung them violently, breaking Rob's nose off. He ate Rob's nose then shit it into his fetid plaid short-shorts!

"Not the crusty nose-shorts!" with power to hate-shame even the most beloved icons to death, the ultimate weapon of the hipster king fired lasers made of sharpness and atheism at Rob. The unavoidable spear chopped his body into 6,111,117.9 dodecahedron-shaped cookies, made of duck sperm, which could be used to tell time but doing so is not advised for they always lie about the day.

The hipster king giggled as he stuffed these cookies up his bowel, since eating with the mouth is too mainstream, then pelted the Pentheon with the cookies which were once Rob. One struck Gareth in the navel, making his hair turn blue and his body fat seep out of his dickhole.

Gareth drank his ejaculated fat through a straw, which was Kevin's dick because it falls off while he's a canteloupe, then spat the concentrated dickfat so fast it cut the universe in half, sucking the king of hipsters into the mindfuck dimension. The king of hipsters fucked the mindfuck dimension, turning it into a giant anole tank made of placentas which explodes fairy scorpions backwards in time, to kill its prey, which it sells on eBay while the gods shit acid up their butts and out their navels!

El Hornet spit godly ass acid on the tank, making it punch itself and rub its dicks against space. El Hornet then summoned from antimatter hell his stingerdick, which he stores to avoid impaling peons with. He sprayed his toxic jizz all over the Swire duckcookies, his semen's little-known medicinal effects reviving Rob. He then splooged on the tempting tropical fruit that was Kevin, ridding him of his curse at long last.

Gareth still had Kevin's dick in his pocket. Kevin was ungrateful so he kicked Gareth so hard, his head flew off and into a black hole. The black hole laughed, then closed. Kevin reattached his dick, but the lycantaloupe that bit him did it on the dick, so reattaching his cock re-cursed him.

With Gareth's head lost forever, the Pendulum gods passed a law which would mandate the closure of all wormholes in the universe and onward. Shutting down all wormhole-based trade, this law caused a massive revolt against the Pentheon...


	8. fire emblem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fire emblem is bewitched

When the Pentheon Revolt was at last resolved by a compromise which permitted wormhole creation solely for trading purposes, the Pentheon was once again boring. That is, until Ben Mount stole a GBA with Fire Emblem from a passing peon. The game first consumed his soul, then Kevin's, until all but Rob fought over the bewitched game, eventually driving them to war when they started saving over each other's games.

Rob Swire hated Fire Emblem.

Furious, Rob flew into the GBA screen, then touched down upon the wretched, backwards planet the continent of Elibe floated upon like a filthy chucklefuck. Rob was rudely poked in the butt by a rapier. Enraged, he turned to see just who dared. it was Eliwood, who was waxing a spaceship made of Magvel's unwanted, pitiful Luna tomes.

Rob Swire shot his nose at the bookship, sending pages flying to infinity and beyond. His nose returned and reattached, like a boomerang made of cartilage and knives. Rob's nose is a knife, and a party animal which leaves his face while he's sleeping to go party with its knifenose people on the planet Ciphalis, which once belonged to the now-extinct lava mantis race. Lava mantises were 25-legged all-female cockroaches who gave birth every 5 seconds and smelled of dick warts no matter how much perfume they wore, but that is all history now.

Eliwood was so enraged by having his hard work disheveled by Rob's noseblast, he reached into his chest cavity, ripped his sad excuse for a mana gland out, then punched it through Rob's stomach. Canas pointed at the pitiful gland being melted by alien fluids and laughed. Eliwood took Canas' head off, smeared it upon a passing scorpion for luck, then stuffed it into the void where his mana gland once resided. If anyone asks, it was a storm which took his head off.

Rob Swire was tired of the sun being fat so he flew back into his dimension of origin and fucked the Andromeda Galaxy, making parasitic African earwigs sing angry folk music about cop cars and shitty creature feature films. Rob took these musical earwigs, stuffed them up his furry anus, then flew back into the GBA and shit them at Eliwood, at 6 times the speed of light, the wyverns becoming the earwigs' velocity and the sky becoming adrenaline laser tornadoes!

But one earwig got caught in Rob's enchanted forest of asshair. The furry buttmagic transmogrified it into a giant bug placenta covered in hairy pincers which pinched Rob's butthole off then threw it at Eliwood's face, killing him and turning the sun to uranium!

Rob roared as he ripped the mutant placenta to subatomic shreds then stuffed his butthole back into place, where his buttmagic fixed it. Rob then pooped out some duct tape to permanently seal the accursed GBA cart, preventing it from ever intoxicating his friends ever again.

But the peace was short lived. Rob went to poop, but his buttmagic gave life to a dinkleberry which was Eliwood's digested mana gland, resuscitating Eliwood in the Pentheon...


	9. the nose has died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rob's face is upset by a cruel seductress

Rob Swire’s penis exploded because the sun is fat, which made Gareth weep false tears which were actually dragons made of onions and alien space. The dragon tears died backwards through time, creating an alternate dimension in which Ben Mount was the president of Japanitaly, a nation whose people always smelled like KJ Sawka’s dick and bled from their eyes because the factories in which they worked were made from the bloody tears of horned toads. Gareth’s draconic tears were the tears of the last horned toad to be burned at the stake for being a wizard lizard.

The horned toad’s ancient cries summoned, from a rift as red as her name, a being no mortal could hope to defeat. Kora Moyafucking Rojo flew from the depths of Hell, cackling with kaleidoscopic malice. Kevin Sawka was so scared, he turned into a cantaloupe then crawled up Ben’s dickhole. Kora roared as she swooped in on wings of blood then chopped Rob’s nose off with her own nose!

Kora chewed this nose, then spit the nosecud back onto Rob’s head. His sad, wrinkled nose wept horned toad tears. Kora tore her boobs off, stomped them into boomerangs, then hurled these boobyrangs at the moon, which they fucking wrecked. One boobyrang chopped Rob’s soggy nose off again on the rebound; the other flew up Ben’s dickhole and chopped Kevin in half. The bisected cantaloupes regenerated their missing halves, turned back into human form, then crawled out of Ben’s dickhole. There were now 2 KJ Sawkas!

Without the sacred faceknife to balance its mismatched existence, Rob’s face exploded. His eyes flew into the voids where Kora’s boobs once were. The eyes transformed into a new pair of boobs, while Rob’s naked skull cried because he had the weirdest boner.

Rob tried crawling up Ben’s dickhole to hide from the succubus, but Ben was fed up with his dickhole being ruined by squatters who don’t even fucking pay their rent. “MY DICKHOLE IS NOT FREE, YOU FUCKING FREELOADERS!” Ben roared as he punched Rob’s skull into another dimension, stole his money then snorted Rob’s headless body up his dickhole, because Ben is a fair businessman. Ben pelted Kora with the money he robbed from Rob, creating welts which seethed with bloody acid, and the acid laughed at the inevitable doom of all existence while Gareth sniffed Peredur’s prostate.

NO, YOU GAPING DICKHOLE, ROB WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HOBBY HORSE—“ Kora screeched with a voice that came not from her throat, but the deepest depths of Hell, a voice which chilled all time and made planets in distant galaxies die. As her hellscream intensified, the Earth turned to nuclear fire, and what was left of the moon melted into an energy drink which Kora snorted, turning her eyes into chainsaws and her legs into railguns.

Kora dove after Peredur, who had morphed into his dragon form and fashioned a bicycle from the rubble of Mars. Upon his Martian bike Peredur raced just a hairbreadth ahead of Kora, who was charging her electric thighs as her eyes of doom roared with the fervor of a trillion horror flicks. Gareth fell out of Peredur’s butt and smacked Kora on the coccyx, stunning her just long enough for Peredur to find a hiding place. Enraged, she pulverized Gareth with her eyesaws then drank him, making her stronger. Her boobs became rocket launchers and her hands became tanks!

"YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME FOREVER, DRAGON!” She fired her payload at nearby rocks. Peredur was blasted right out of his cave, along with the mountains of gold watches he fondled when he was away from his wife. Taking a vow to avenge his hoard, Peredur charged his ice breath, since fire cannot kill a succubus, then fired the sub-absolute zero beam of negative death energy at Kora, but she had charged her railguns just in time and kicked a double beam of lightning to stop the ice beam right in its tracks. A little bit of ice did reach her and froze one of her eyesaws, though, which pissed her off so severely, she materialized Kamehameha waves from the sky and rained them down upon Peredur. Dodging the Kamehameha waves, Peredur grabbed a giant's golden watch from his scattered hoard which he used to deflect some back at Kora, but it was for naught as the blasts of energy were made of plasma and made her stronger.

El Hornet, who was trying to sleep in the Pentheon, was tired of all this racket so he flew down upon waspy wings then thrust his poison penis through Kora’s skull, injecting his death sperm into her brain which did not kill her, but instead cured the demonic affliction which made her evil and restored her true cinnamon roll self. Her body returned to normal, then she cried upon the blazing radioactive planet, undoing all her destruction and fixing Rob’s face. Rob crawled out of Ben’s dickhole and laid eyes upon the true Kora for the first time. It was love at first sight.

But there was one Rob had forgotten. Rambo used the flying cars cheat to fly down from the Pentheon and run Rob over for being a cheating unfaithful cunt. She revved her engine then went after Kora, but Peredur grabbed her and flew her to safety. Peredur then shot fire breath up Rambo’s exhaust pipe, overheating her insides and freeing the Pentheon from her flabby, herpes-laden chassis and nagging horn once and for all. Pendulum celebrated, then Rob and Kora united at long last. The romance was so beautiful, Ben shed a manly tear from his dickhole, El Hornet sobbed venom from his stingerdick, and Gareth wept body fat from his penis. Kevin 1 and Kevin 2 had sex, then fought to the death. The winner ate the loser in cantaloupe form.

With sanity once again restored to their planet, the gods returned to the Pentheon once again, and Kora brought Kasia along so Ben didn’t have to fap anymore. But with his dickhole so ruined, Ben can only cockvore his wife now.


	10. japanitalianese history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> about japanitaly

Rob Swire rested his head upon his throne, built from the hearts of the last nine presidents of Japanitaly before Ben rose to power. He drifted to sleep and started to dream, a dream which transcended the ages.

The first president, Peen Dil Dolum, was a woman with 68 pelvises and 326.8 boobs. She had the power to end all shitty pop music, but she instead misused her music control powers to oppress anyone not using autotune. The robo voice maker became the currency of circa 0-200 After Draconic Tears (ADT), worth the equivalent of 5,639.65 US dollars each in today's economy. The autotune carried with it, however, the power of revolution, for skilled singers could use it for artistic effect, sparking mutiny and dooming Peen Dolum's dominion.

The next president to rise to power, Gedgeron Von Stomach, banned all toilets and enforced reverse peristalsis for all inhabitants of Japanitaly. During this time, Christmas did not exist so the Japanitalianese celebrated Dragonmas instead, for their only deity was the tachygon. To celebrate Dragonmas they consumed reuben sandwiches rectally while dancing in decommssioned toilets. These toilets were the holiday symbol they decorated with bulbs made from the eyes and gonads their doctors removed on their 6th birthdays. When the holiday ended, Gedgeron would collect all these organbulbs and create a new citizen of Japanitaly with them, since the Japanitalianese couldn't reproduce.

When Gedgeron tripped into a resevoir of eyes and drowned in their bloody toad tears, the next 7 presidents of Japanitaly were a council of cockroaches who always agreed on everything since only one of them, named Steve, had a head. The others' names were Toader, Foothand, Cock, Splanteen, Boopfoop, and Robert. Robert was the last to leave office since the other 6 presidents OD'd on Raid the first day they were in office, and Robert stole Steve's head, so he was president #10. During his 3.7 week reign, Robert built sound factories which he called "studios", inventing true music and saving the people of Japanitaly from the fallout of Peen Dolum's tyranny. Robert also outlawed the production of Raid, the most foul designer drug devised by Gedgeron and the vice president of Japanitaly, a hamburger Gedgeron named Gareth. Gedgeron loved Gareth the hamburger so much, he not only gave Gareth a name and life, but a body as well. Gedgeron was harvesting organs from his people so he could make a living mechsuit vessel for the beloved meat sandwich.

Before he finalized the design of Gareth's body, though, Gedgeron produced an unsatisfactory prototype with too much asshair and mismatched parts. Robert the cockroach discovered this prototype bio-mecha in stasis, so he stole it and Rob the cockroach deceives the world into thinking he is a human to this very day.

Rob woke from his daydream. He headed to the bathroom for a bath. Rob closed the sink, then rested his chin upon the sink's rim. His face detached and lifted up like a spaceship door, and the hidden passenger, a Madagascar pissing cockroach born not in Madagascar but in Australia where he was adopted by a gay burrowing cockroach couple, crawled out of the biomech. His single mother was a tragic Raid addict. Rob took a bath in the sink while huffing Raid, unable to shake the terrible influence of his junkie mom, though she was there for her son for only a month before the exterminator was called, leaving him an orphan.

Rob's drug trip was cut off by a knock on the Pentheon bathroom door. Gareth had to go. Rob hissed curses at this great manor of gods for having just one fucking bathroom, then dumped the water and dried himself off. He manned his mansuit and crawled into the swanky bed inside the cockpit. Derti was in his bed. He multitasked, piloting the mech to leave the bathroom while simultaneously fucking Derti.

As Rob passed Gareth, he felt, for some inexplicable reason, like the pencil-bearded fuckface's skull was mocking him with religious singing. Rob felt an insatiable urge to punch a hamburger through it...


	11. bug crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rob is in trouble

62.7 Japanitalianese years have passed since that fateful day. Rob knocked Derti up with a litter of 69.3 (the 0.3 being a stillborn who was eaten by his savage siblings, since watersport cockroaches are feral before their 3rd instar where they start to develop sapience), and he pays her child support to this very day. Derti sends him ransom threats, threatening to out him as a cockroach to his bandmates if he doesn't. Rob shuddered at that thought as he handed the check over while swearing revenge on the exterminator for killing his mom with his vile drugs. How could he do this to her?

Once again, Gareth walked in on Rob while he was being a cockroach. Rob panicked as he skittered towards his mansuit, but it was already manned!

"YOU'RE LATE ON THE CHILD SUPPORT!" roared the mandroid as it dashed towards Rob. Derti stole Rob's meatsuit and was going to crush him!

Gareth noticed the bug, so he tried to step on it. Derti wouldn't let Gareth get in the way of her revenge so she punched his face off, ripped the hamburger out of the cockpit, took a bite out of it, then threw it at Rob, who avoided it. Gareth's mandroid went haywire without a controller, slipped on its own floorshits, then slid into Ben's chamber and up his dickhole, taking the floorshit in with it.

Inside Ben's dickhole, the fleshy mech stole his prostate and shoved it into its cockpit. Gareth's new brain was that of an idiotic sociopath who can only sing rap opera on Sundays and jerk off to cardboard cutouts of Donald Trump. The robot stomped Atlantis into a lego ball which it replaced Ben's prostate with.

Meanwhile, Derti was going ballistic, shooting from her railgun nose superluminal boogers made of neutron star matter at Rob. Kora walked into the Pentheon hall wondering where she dropped her nipples. A stray bullet struck her, fracturing her into a kaleidoscopic entity which could refract time infinitely. Rob skittered into her navel, using her powers to travel back in time and kill the exterminator before he killed Rob's mom. It changed his future; he is no longer a raidhead who makes only bad decisions in life. In the new timeline, he never slept with Derti the raidwhore, so he no longer owes her child support.

Derti, furious at losing her sex doll money, flew to the sun, snorted it up her massive railgun knifenose then shot the sunbooger at Earth. Rob took flight upon insect wings then charged into the sun to stop it from reaching Earth. The sun exploded, pieces of it getting trapped in Rob's sensory hairs which were aplenty on his bug ass.

Rob crawled up the nose of his human suit, armed with the sun shards. Derti was decked out in an armored suit which looked like a tank crossbred with a Gundam. She fired at him with her railguns but the lightly armored roach was swift. He evaded the electric blast, grabbed the bed then struck Derti with it. The bed exploded and Derti's armor was knocked right off. Rob dropkicked Derti's head off, but it was merely a mask to veil her true identity!

Derti was actually a being no roach could hope to defeat. She was the exterminator who murdered Rob's mom from another timeline, except in that one she was female and a roach otherkin instead of a roachphobe. Derti the former exterminator believed so deeply and sincerely that she was a cockroach, she made a roachsuit from body parts she stole from Gedgeron's warehouse. Rob, the roach-to-human transspecies man, realized this human-to-roach transspecies she-roach was his one true soulmate.

But Kora found out, and she was jealous!

Kora screamed, killing black holes as she rocketed through space towards Rob, generating thrust with her railgun legs. She kicked the faceplate off of Rob's deceptively sexy mansuit and ripped him right out of it.

"ROACH, MAN, OR WHATEVER, YOU'RE MINE!!" Kora roared through all dimensions at once as she punched Rob with a fist of justice fire. The watersport cockroach put himself out with his species' second greatest adaptation (the greatest was the highly evolved roach placenta, which enabled their insectoid sapience), then thorned Kora in the face with his spiky ass arm. Rob ripped her face off then ate it, giving him the power to turn his feet into dogs which eat dark matter and shit radioactive adrenaline!

Kora laughed painlessly as her blood melted the fabric of space. She shaped the space slag into a pistol then shot Rob in the face with it. Rob burrowed into the center of the Milky Way where he met James Bond, who was naked.

"Why are you in the center of the galactic--" Bond's words were cut off by Rob shitting and pissing at him at 9 times the speed of light, the shit made of shark lava and the piss being the final reincarnation of Elvis!

Rob roared as he ripped James Bond's heart out then threw it at a mummy, avenging the temporal death of his children. Their souls emerged from the mummy's bondage then fused with the galactic core, turning it into a helicopter named Greg. James Bond manned Greg then shot Rob with dry cumsock missiles, knocking the flesh out of his carapace and into a star named Big Red Peter, who runs the interstellar mafia. Stars all had planets with life before the star wars ensued over control of all the planets, which was for naught since it killed them all in the crossfire and fallout, except for one; only the sun and its solar system were spared, for the sun's vice isn't planets but cheesecake, which is why it's so fat.

Rob, who was now a squishy white-ass roach due to being rudely broken out of his old skin, grabbed it then hurled it into the engine of Greg the helicopter. It fucked the shit out of his inner workings, making Greg crash into and destroy the Andromeda galaxy, then explode into 69 beautiful shiny black roach children. Rob shed a manly tear at having saved his beautiful children from the paradox of time change, then crawled up James Bond's dickhole, hardened his carapace then tore Bond's reproductive system to shreds from within with his spiky limbs. Castrated and ruined, James Bond died instantly.

Rob hijacked the corpse of James Bond so he could fight on equal footing with Kora who stole his body from Derti and wouldn't stop anally masturbating in it, which was ruining his anus. Rob could not truly fight as an equal, though, because his temporary body's lungs were made entirely of cigarettes and his blood was nothing but STDs.

"Rob my love, let me lend you my power!" called out Derti, who was hanging onto a piece of drifting sun and was no longer wearing her roach suit. Derti wrapped her arms around Bond's battered body and, with the power of rage alone, merged with him to become Bonderti!

Bonderti glowed with the power of the ages as they threw their fists up, wreathed them in justice fire, then charged into Kora, melting straight through to the other side since the flames burned hot enough to liquefy dimensions.

Kora screamed as her cells mutated from contact with fire. She transformed into a spider made of scorpions and mermaid lobsters, then wove a web of time, which she trapped Bonderti in. Bonderti freed themself by crying antimatter at the strings, then eating what was left. Bonderti headbutted Kora into a space station which was a Playstation on vacation. Kora punched the Playstation at Bonderti, who broke it with their nose. This nose detached from their body them bit Kora's nose off. The nose chewed Kora's nose then shot her with a bullet of karma while the starscoop fleas laughed.

From the ashes of the reformed Pentheon under the new Gareth's iron rule rose a hamburger, which was Gareth's true soul. The hamburger hopped onto KJ Sawka's back, who became a cantaloupe. Ben loaded the hamburger and cantaloupe into his cannondick then ejaculated them towards Bonderti and Kora. The Pentheon needed Rob back, or it would fall before the tyranny of the Trump-loving Legoreth!

Gareth leaped off of Kevin then punched Korob with his bun which was harder than diamond, knocking Kora out of Rob's body. Kora tried taking a bite out of the burger, but broke her teeth on the bun. Kevin hurled himself at Kora, distracting her so Gareth could strike her over the head with his buns of diamond, knocking her unconscious. Bonderti revived the sun by laughing then sealed Kora within the core of the sun once and for all, freeing the universe from her eternal threat.

Bonderti grabbed the hamburger and cantaloupe then flew back to the Pentheon. They still had to get Gareth's body back, and Legoreth had built a fortress made of Donald Trump dildos!

Bonderti used these dildos to build a bridge out of cocks. They ran right up to Legoreth and kicked his face off. The animatronic endoskeleton screamed then bit one of Bonderti's nipples off. It spit this nipple at Peredur, waking him up. He's been sleeping through everything, being so used to the Pentheon shenanigans.

Peredur was so grumpy at having been waken, he transformed into a dragon then breathed fire on Legoreth. The body was fine, but the lego endobrain melted out of it, saving the Pentheon. Peredur morphed back into a human then went back to sleep.

Kevin morphed back into his human form and placed Gareth back in his body. Gareth only forgot how to use a toilet from Derti taking a bite out of him, which doesn't matter since he shits on the floor anyway. Bonderti stood Rob's body up, then Rob crawled out of Bonderti. The faceplate lifted up, and Rob was Rob once again.

Derti separated from the Bond cells then threw the carcass out the window, where it fell down to Earth and crushed a child on a tricycle. Derti was over her cockroach delusion. Rob had his body back, but he no longer identified with it either.

The face opened up again and Rob jumped out of it, onto Derti's shoulder. He caressed her cheek with his feelers.

"Guys, I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but...I'm a cockroach. This is who I really am." Rob shed a buggy tear at having finally found the courage to come out to his bandmates.

Gareth, Kevin, Ben, Peredur, and El Hornet all laughed simultaneously. "We know, Rob, but we all love you anyway. Besides, it's not like any of us are really human either."

Ben's face opened up. A penis with the most perfect dickhole jumped out and onto the floor of the Pentheon hall.

All the others' faces opened up too. A cantaloupe, a hamburger, a hornet, and a dragon midget who was delivered by C-section joined the penis to make the cockroach feel welcome.

Rob jumped down off of Derti and group-hugged his bandmates. Derti picked them up then stuffed them all in her earhole, where they became her. Pendulum is now a one-woman band who can do everything at once, since merging with insects made her grow an extra set of arms. The one woman band became even more famous than it ever was with six separate members.

Derti keeps the six mandroids in stasis. Each day of the week, except for Sundays, she has sex with one of them. On Sundays, she violates her tush with the toys Kora ruined Rob's butthole with.


	12. paul kodish is mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont make bald dudes angry

The Pentheon was lonely, since Pendulum was just Derti now. Derti was bored, so she slapped Paul Kodish's house into orbit. Paul was enraged so he threw the ocean at her. She drank it then queefed cockroach thunder at Paul, who reflected it with his head so it backfired and tore Derti asunder. She was once again a woman and the six mismatched creatures that were Pendulum.

The ousted creatures scrambled for the stasis room where their mansuits were in storage while Paul Kodish shot at them with sun lasers refracted by his mirror cranium. El Hornet had to stop and pick a horse out of his navel. 9El Hornet is only half wasp. His mom was a watersport cockroach.)

Paul Kodish hated halfbreed bugs so he assailed the other Paul with a regurgitated joke at 8 times the speed of light, the humor made of fuckshittery and the tongue made of plagiarism!

El Hornet sucked the joke up his stingerdick then dickqueefed it through Paul Kodish's chrome dome at 44 and a half times the speed of light. Paul's brain matter became acidic magma and his eyes turned to tornado shotguns as he fell into the mouth of a centipede, which wasn't really a centipede because it was an alien centipede from the dimension of gambling which vomited crystal lightning through its sword legs to break time and kill its prey, while gods sang of the lies of pesticide products.

From a temporal fissure flew El Hornet from the past. He ripped a leg off the centipede then impaled his future self upon it, which killed him and made the past El Hornet grow the wings of Asgard, while dolphins and sharks crossbred in sinful, bloody orgies which killed the mournful gods of Asgard and melted past El Hornet's divine wings. Enraged, he set fire to his beard then stung what remained of the sea, making it explode into space where it landed on Venus and there are now sharphins on Venus.

The rest of Pendulum were suited up, but it didn't matter since they were too late; the testy hornet from before Pendulum didn't recognize them. The meatsuits and the Pendulum started to fade as Pendulum's existence hung in the balance.

Rob tried explaining to the historical hornet who and where he was, but he had a headache so he shot at Rob with a bacon uzi. Rob dodged the greasy gunfire but the humans no longer believed in him so he and the rest of his bandmates fell to Earth. The Pentheon and their mansuits faded to sand. They were stripped to their raw forms.

Derti flew down on a hovercraft made from Kora's pubes which was also her breakfast. The Pendulum creatures boarded the hovercraft, Derti took a bite out of it, then they flew to Venus to do battle with the hornet who ruined them!

The hornet threw sharphins at the hovercraft, but it assimilated them so it can now surf on lava. It shot a beam of cocaine at the hornet, who didn't care because he was a ballerina dancer, and raping a spider.

Venus started exploding, and Rob found out he was a grandfather. Peredur cut a fuck hole in Kevin which Ben hid inside of as the karmic pendulum cackled with infallible centrifuge.

Rob took the meat out from between Gareth's buns, shaped it into a laughable effigy of his mandroid suit, then manned the meaty man mimic. He ate the bacon bullets, causing his arms to morph into beefy railguns. These railguns shot the hornet with raw e-coli infested lightning missiles which knocked his stingerdick off and into the sun. Jupiter stole the dick and ate it, while a passing comet sang about the shenanigans of Grand Theft Auto.

The hornet dropkicked this comet into penis-shaped shrapnel, which summoned, from the dimension of testicles, motherfucking Claude. Claude screamed louder than loudness itself and faster than the speed of sound, his cataclysmic call breaking the universe and melting every galaxy, while Claude had sex with Mercury the hooker planet.

"YOU...FORGETTING...SOMEONE...?" roared Paul Kodish as he freed himself from the gut of the dead centipede at long last. Claude was going to mug the bug, but Paul Kodish wanted revenge on Pendulum for ruining his house so he used Head Smash on Claude, knocking him into the corpse of the centipede which exploded and flung swords everywhere, one of which impaled Paul Kodish's dick and another one chopped Kevin in half and skewered Ben. Ben absorbed the sword, becoming a knifepenis, then Rob hopped on Ben then punched one half of Kevin through Claude's squinty eyes, causing him to turn into a platter of crab meat which restored the peoples' faith in Pendulum. The other half was used to make a prison from cantaloupe seeds to trap Paul Kodish inside of forever.

Kevin was fixed with the magic of duct tape, then the bandmates manned their mansuits once more. They agreed to never leave them for any reason ever again, then snorted so much cocaine out of Derti's vagina they forgot that they were human, but didn't forget each other. They stole Derti's hoverboard and flew back to the Pentheon, leaving her and Kora behind.


	13. a history lesson on japanitaly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> japanitaly is a country with a rich and fascinating history

Once upon a time, Japanitaly suffered a mighty wave of depression when the invention of the auto-factory put every factorial employee out of business. The unemployed sold their organs to get by, the birth of the dark rituals of Dragonmas.

As well as decorating with organ trees, the Japanitalianese also decked the halls with soiled diapers and unused menstrual pads, which they didn't need because the castrated women didn't have periods. These butt garment garlands attracted hornetspiders from the 6th dimension who stole the diapers, but left the poop for the shitbeetles (not dung beetles, shitbeetles were literally made of shit). The hornetspiders constructed webbed hives from the diaper fibers, inside which they gave birth to the whiniest, shittiest babies. The hornetspiders traded their placentas to the Japanitalianese for use as Dragonmas ornaments, in exchange for more diapers.

The Japanitalianese, hornetspider and shitbeetle peoples all lived in perfect harmony: the shitbeetle placentas had aphrodisiac properties with no side effects, so the hornetspiders purchased their afterbirth to become horny hornets. The orgies which ensued from snorting shitty placentas resulted in hysterical pregnancies, the aftermath of which was sold to the Japanitalianese. They ate the surplus of hornetspider placentas which didn't fit on their Dragonmas trees, which they shit into diapers for the shitbeetles to purchase once the hornetspiders claimed the diaper part.

But everything changed when the watersport cockroaches attacked. They were the mortal nemeses of the shitbeetles. The watersport cockroaches flooded Shit Mountain with ungodly amounts of piss, which was their Great Flood. Shit Mountain was washed away and with it, the shitbeetles were wiped out and flushed down the shitter. With the shitbeetles out of the way, the watersport cockroaches built a monopoly on their own sexy excretions. The hornetspiders were forced to pay triple the premium for watersport cockroach piss.

Fed up with the outrageous greed of Waterpee Trust Co., the hornetspiders revolted, but lost horribly. Their addiction to the piss backfired; they simply couldn't run from the magnetic drug as the cockroaches flooded their hives, killing all but one survivor, the last hornetspider to not get hooked to drugged excrement. He would go on to father an illegitimate son with a watersport cockroach, but this child was branded an abomination by everyone, so he was cast out of Japanitaly and sent to the planet Earth.

The natives of Japanitaly were not hooked on cockroach piss, and with their customer base wiped out to functional extinction, the watersport cockroach's corporate juggernaut Waterpee was doomed, and quickly went out of business. The unemployed masses of cockroaches flocked to Japanitaly in swarms. Their excessive pissing created new jobs in constructing ureducts and piss dams (toilets were still illegal, even for watersport cockroaches), which saved Japanitaly's struggling economy and united the Japanitalianese and watersport cockroaches as one.

Dragonmas is still celebrated in Japanitaly to this day.


	14. nipple vice - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peredur hAS A VIDEO GAME IN HIS NIPPLE AND FUCK JAPAN

Rob Swire was enraged at the crimes of the interstellar mafia, so he shit on a shark then punched it through Japan's face while the pyramids of Egypt rapped about dinosaurs in thongs.

Japan headbutted Rob Swire's legs off then shot him with a volcano gun. The Earth caught on fire as Rob grabbed Japan then took off with it into space. He threw it into Big Red Peter which made him explode into a dwarf. Rob snorted the supernova then fired at the Earth a cataclysmic knifenose booger which put out the fire and replaced the water which evaporated into space.

Paul Kodish was at his house, digging graves for his murdered lawn ornaments. He was thirsty, so he went inside and poured a glass of water, but it was only Rob's snot. Enraged, Paul shot Rob out of space with a head laser then beat him with a shovel so hard his nose fell off. Kora, who was now Paul Kodish's girlfriend, caught the nose before Rob and ate it. It tasted like penis. Kora wasn't hungry for penis so she killed Rob with vagina acid, but Rob's soul revived his body by eating 58.4 kangaroos. Rob impaled Kora's heart upon his knifenose, trapping her permanently in the dimension of rage alone. Paul Kodish was now single, forced to drink Rob's snot for the rest of his life, and mourning his lawn ornaments. The weight of it all transformed Paul into a lawnmower made of vagina noses which could mulch entire galaxies into spacedust. The magic lawnmower flew to the Pentheon and chopped the roof off.

"OH SHIT, LAWNMOWER PAUL IS HERE!" Rob's bandmates scrambled for cover like ugly annoying piss ants as the Kodishmower chased through the Pentheon after them, mulching the carpet to dark antimatter. But the lawnmower crashed into the minifridge, which was protected by a spell so sacred no lawnmower could ever hope to cut through it. Paul Kodish kicked the garbage can and reverted to his laser human form. Paul isn't a human, but a laser human, a rare species who can fire lasers from their head. Once thought to be a subspecies of humans, laser humans are actually closely related to red-nosed reindeer, which are also unrelated to true reindeer. The laser shooters are unique to their own mammalian order.

Paul Kodish summoned Rudolph and destroyed the forcefield with Rudolph's nose lasers, then melted the minifridge with his head laser. Ben had enough of this fuckery so he stuffed Paul and Rudolph up his dickhole, which is where the North Pole is now. Ben is holding Santa hostage in his prostate so Santa will always give him presents year round in exchange for not being digested and converted to sperm.

KJ Sawka, who was sleeping and missed the lawnmower attack, walked into the kitchen to get a beer from the minifridge. He saw Ben standing over the fridge's remains. KJ blamed Ben so he kicked him out of the Pentheon and down to Earth where Ben landed on a bear which was the king of bears and killed it, so Ben is now the de facto king of bears.

Ben's bear reign summoned the plot police, who grew furious at the growth of a plot which is forbidden in this dimension. But the plot police were attacked by the PLUR police who waged war in the dimension of rage alone until all that remained was a retarded praying mantis named George. George the retarded mantis slapped a portal to the 3rd dimension then slapped KJ Sawka's face off which flew into Peredur's chest and went up his right nipple. Inside his left nipple, the city of Vice City was under siege by Tommy Vercetti who was actually a dragon made of silicon and rage, for he hails from the rage dimension.

Tommy Vercetti flew out of Peredur's nipple then killed all the police with grenades he shot from his dickhole. Ben was enraged at having dickhole competition so he cockvored Tommy then shot him back into Peredur's nipple where he belonged, but all of the Pendulum dimension turned to flaming crap, so all of Pendulum jumped into Peredur's nipple, then Peredur ripped his own nipple off and jumped into it. They entered the Vice City pocket dimension to escape the crappy crap. Now they were in pixel land where everything is more hilarious.

TO BE CONTINUED


	15. nipple vice - part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit gets real

"YOU DARE TO ENTER MY REALM?!" Tommy roared as he assailed Rob with cop cars made of wanted levels lost to the cruelty of two-dimensional water. Rob tried snorting the cars but they were made of snortproof digital matter which instead exploded Rob's nose, making Gareth's hat melt and his body fat seep out of his dickhole. Ben slurped up the dickfat using his own dick as a straw. This enraged Tommy, so he stuffed Gareth and Ben's dicks into a Chinese finger trap then dropkicked their heads off which flew off into blue hell. Tommy then cut the dicks off with his katana and mailed the dicktrap to Sonny Forelli. Kevin Sawka turned into his defense cantaloupe mode, but Tommy chopped the cantaloupe up with the katana and ate it. He shoved the rinds into Rob's eviscerated nosehole, then stuffed El Hornet up his bum, who was so scared he started compulsively stinging. Rob is now noseless, with the remains of KJ Sawka in his lungs and El Hornet stinging his intestines over and over. Rob stole the katana and committed seppuku with it to make the pain stop. El Hornet escaped the bowel, but Tommy stuck him to the ground with KJ's sticky fruitblood then ran him over with a Rhino tank.

Peredur was the only one left who could put a stop to the rampaging Florida man. He flew back out of his nipple, caught Kora in a master ball then flew back in and sent her into battle. Kora used Roar of Time, opening a rift to the near past from which she revived the fallen bandmates and changed their future. KJ Sawka morphed into an attack cantaloupe then struck Tommy over the head, knocking it right off. The head rolled into the water where it sunk and disintegrated, wasted and forgotten. Tommy grew a new head then bit the cantaloupe, but Ben dickslapped Tommy making him spit KJ out. Ben tore off Tommy's shirt and body armor then stuffed them up his dickhole while Rob snuck up behind Tommy then stabbed him 528 times with his nose. Tommy keeled over, wasted, but reappeared at the hospital and smashed Kora with an ambulance he lifted using the flying cars cheat. Peredur had to get her to a Pokemon Center but Tommy burninated it with his molotov cocktail breath!

"HOW DARE YOU, SHE WAS A TACO!!" roared Rob, who shot his nose at Tommy which skewered his silicon heart. Tommy ripped it back out then threw it back at Rob, the might of the knifenose knocking him on his flat hairy ass.

"NO SHE WAS STROMBOLI!!" Tommy screeched in Italian, then took flight upon wings of molotov cocktail fire as he flew to Kawaii Spaghetti City and laid waste to it because he was angry. The watersport cockroaches put their city out then fired torrents of bug piss at Tommy. He shrieked as he was doused in watery piss. He flailed as the liquid leeched his lifeforce. Wasted, he reappeared at the hospital, but KJ kicked it into the ocean. With Tommy was trapped in an infinite loop of life and death, Vice City was at last freed from the tyranny of the phoenix dragon. All the city's people gathered to praise Pendulum, becoming a new demographic of devout followers. The Malibu and Pole Position Club were demolished, In Silogogues erected in their place.

Peredur smeared his nipple upon the fainted Kora, turning it into a stable gateway through hich the people of Vice City could traverse as they pleased. The citizens made merry as Tommy Vercetti plotted a way out of the underwater hospital.


	16. itch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rob is itchy

Rob Swire had an itch in the land down under, so he dickslapped a kangaroo then threw it into the dimension of rage alone. The kangaroo exploded, which birthed Paul Kodish from a rusted pendulum on the bottom of the ocean.

Paul flew into a helicopter then ate it, which turned him into a machine gun ballerina. He shot Rob with his tippy toes because Gareth's nose is an egg. The taint sniffer hatched into a flaming chicken which flew into Ben Mount's dickhole then destroyed Japanitaly's most famous landmark before the watersport cockroach fire squad put the flaming cock out.

The cataclysm of Japanitaly losing its sole tourist attraction, a statue depicting forbidden love between a hornetspider and a shitbeetle, was so resounding it made Ben's Lego prostate explode, the Lego pieces showering the ground of Japanitaly. The Japanitalianese cried as they could no longer walk, since Japanitalianese law bans shoes. KJ Sawka cackled at their plight then summoned meteors to smash right through Ben to wreck what was left of Japanitaly. Peredur was enraged at the improper use of Draco Meteor so he used it on Kevin but he's a Grass/Fairy type, so Peredur got destroyed by a Pixilate Double Slap which hit 5 times, while Rob gnawed on his feet because Big Red Peter is pregnant and capitalism is stupid.

Rob's teeth and feet started mating so he took out his tongue then sacrificed it to the music demons. They cackled then made a raincloud over Rob's head which rains menstrual blood. Rob flew into space then punched this cloud into Big Red Peter, aborting her abominable star-fetus. Rob snorted the stellar embryo, flew back to the Pentheon then smashed KJ with a sunbooger so massive, the Pentheon orbited it. But even the sunbooger orbited Ben's dickhole.

Enraged at Ben's dickhole for being fatter than the fucking sun, Rob impaled it upon his knifenose, but he was knocked into the 5th dimension by the roundhouse kick of a catscorpion on fire. Rob grabbed a fistful of antimatter tachyons then shoved them up the cat's vagina, making the 5th dimension fall into the anus of a black hole. The dimension landed in a garbage chute full of transwoman dicks and mangy crab lice who pray for sunlight but only get more severed dicks.

The lice latched onto Rob's penis. He liberated them from an eternity of rotten dicks with no pubic hair or light. The lice helped rebuild Japanitaly while Rob masturbated because his dong was no longer itchy.


	17. ben the necromancer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ben gets mad at gareth's head

Japanitaly once had 6 holidays before Dragonmas took over as its only one. Today, the nation celebrates Lice Day instead of Dragonmas.

But the Japanitalianese history book was dropkicked out of Ben's hands by Gareth!

Enraged, Ben tore his nipples off then punched them through Gareth's stupid face, reincarnating Kurt Cobain who flew in wielding Kartikeya's spear and chopped Gareth's head off with it. Kurt's 6 faces cackled, a cackle no one in the Pentheon was worthy of, for they were made of sin.

Kevin got scared, so Kurt chopped him up into fruity slices made of hedonism then squeezed the juice on Rob, turning him into a sociopath who feels insatiable urges to streak through malls carrying stolen children while pissing and shitting everywhere and yelling that he's a hippo. Rob terrorized a mega mall while the severed head of Gareth bit Kurt Cobain in the ass. Kurt roared as he ripped Gareth's head apart with his 7 arms, the 7th being the arm of Trogdor. But Kurt Cobain was vacuumed up Ben's dickhole and into his heart.

The stolen dragon arm fell out of Ben's dickhole. Gareth put it on his neckhole. It morphed into a replacement head, hat and all.

Kurt Cobain made it to Japanitaly where he introduced the indigenous people to grunge music. They hated it, and locked him up in Ben's heart for his crime against Japanitaly.

Rob got arrested. He is currently locked inside Ben's heart-shaped box with Kurt Cobain.


	18. butt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> butt

Rob Swire was spending quality time with his nose sharpener, when suddenly Ben burst in and slurped it up his dickhole, who burped then shot Rob with a really big shotgun made of small shotguns. Rob was tired of the unfunny dickhole jokes so he chopped Ben's penis off with his knifenose then punched it through Gareth's fat fucking face. Gareth giggled, then exploded space and time which he reshaped into a grill for the penis. Antares forgot about lunch, so it kicked Gareth, which annoyed him so he wrestled Antares then hurled it at Pulsar Peter, the remains of Big Red Peter after she got a craving and ate an iron atom.

Gareth killed every alien sun because he's tired of the same unfunny sun jokes, then kicked Rob's knifenose which flew off his face and up El Hornet's stingerdickhole. The nose snorted the stinger from the inside out to become a stingernose, then flew back to Rob and reattached to his head. Rob stung Gareth with his dicknose for being a manqueef, while Peredur ate Vikings with his butt.

Gareth buttsmashed Peredur's stupid butt because Gareth's butt is the superior posterior. The butt battle summoned Klayton, the god of butts, from his prison cell pantheon in the anti-dimension!

Rob remembered what his mother always told him.

"Rob, block the fuck out of the world."

Rob's eyes became flames. He roared as he blocked Klayton on Twitter for having a butt chin, then threw him in the trash, making the Pentheon melt and alien tentacle boobs rain down upon what was left of it.

"Help, I can't go cantaloupe!" Kevin screamed as the tentatits violated his butt (the only butt which rivaled the Butt God himself) and dickhole, preventing him from turning inside out which is needed for cantalouping. But Coco saved the day by lasering the boobacles with her death face. She kissed her divine husband before returning to preside over the mortal realm, riding upon a manticore made from Rob's buttfur animated by an incantation rapped by Ben.

But the manticore was stolen by Enoby Hardon, who wasn't really the hornet's waifu because she was hungry, and a plesiosaur with no face because her head was stolen by a backwards triceratops with dick horns back in her middle school days. She stole a dick horn in retaliation, replaced her old head with it, then drank the dinosaur's primitive blood, making her immortal but allergic to cattle.

Enoby was dropkicked by a cow, making her retch the manticore which had melted into one giant, adamantine Rob butthair which reattached to his butt, giving him a buttstinger as well as a facestinger. He skewered Enoby upon the giant butthair, draining her vampiric reptilian blood and curing her of her curse. She was once again Ebony Harding, waifu of the stingerdicked alien hornetspider with a fabulous beard. She put El Hornet's stingerdick back on, made Rob a new knifenose and Ben a new dick from the mega buttstinger, then returned to the realm of the Pendulum waifus while Peredur ate his own tail.

Peredur was still hungry. He thought about Gareth's head.


	19. woggle crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> japanitaly is in trouble

In the 8th dynasty of the hornetspider dominion, Japanitaly forgot how to make food. They had to import prepared food from the sentient planets of the multiverse, putting them so deeply in debt their gross domestic product amounted to -485 septillion woggles that year.

When their planet was visited by Rob Swire in his true piss roach form, he showed the Japanitalianese how to cook the finest piss-broiled placentas. Their economy was saved, but none were prepared for the invasion of the alienians.

The alienians were a race of lead-based beings with wheels instead of limbs, who belonged to a kingdom of life unknown to science. Sprouting from their heads was a single, 7-jointed limb. It could slap anyone to Tuesday, but was crafted by the foolish pretense of narcissistic pseudo-deities. The limb grasped not with fingers, but something else, a pathetic attempt at biology. Not even Alex Ries or Wayne Barlowe would praise it, it was seriously that fucking stupid.

Rob Swire was caught by the alienians. They held him with their antimatter energy suction cups, because fingers are too earthly, then took him to their breeding altar. Alienians reproduce by sacrificing organic animals to their god, who materializes new alienians into existence as already complete beings in return.

Gareth smashed the altar with his chins then rubbed his nipples all over the last alienian to be born. Alienians are allergic to nipples, which cause them to have seven simultaneous anal auto-lobotomies (because aliens would never have one centralized brain) and turn into desk chairs which always moan when swiveled. Kevin transformed into a cantaloupe then rolled his way up onto the alien carcass, establishing galactic superiority once and for all.

Gareth's nipples hated his head so they mutinied, shooting Gareth's face off with pressurized milk. His face flew back to Earth and landed in Sylvester Stallone's lap. It sniffed his crotch, then bit it off and spit it at the planet Alien, which got fucking obliterated into a pitiful shower of space turds by the manliest of manly mammal meat.

Feeling threatened, Ben screeched, beat the fucking shit out of the severed cock, then ripped it apart into atoms which he snorted up his dickhole, making him hallucinate visions of sandy vaginas filled with unfillable shadows.

Ben tried licking one of the sand cunts, but it was actually Rob's ass, so Ben got a mouth full of asshair. Ben chewed the hair. He thought about Kasia.


	20. peeeeeeeeeeenisulum part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peeeeenis

Rob Swire filled his nipples with the crying dick tears of the saintly donkeys. His presumptuous leanings angered Ben, who was not an MC but a flying contraption forged from the crying nightmares of the last dinosaurs. Ben cloaked his fists in the flaming tears of tyrannosaurs then punched through the sound barrier into the rap dimension, from which he withdrew a chainsaw made of the ghosts of teeth rappers discarded frivolously for golden effigies of substitutes. Rob retaliated by diving into water which wasn’t wet, a vat of tomfoolery, from which he summoned a knotted mess of used condoms and shower hair which resembled Cthulhu but was actually the foot of the last poached dragon from the distant planet of Fargaia. Rob swung this foot at Ben, who countered it with his toothsaw. The collision of ultimate weapons created a rift from which were flung KJ Sawka and Paul Kodish, who argued over everything even when everything was nothing and nothing was just a bottle of soda.

Peredur tried to becalm the raging ragers, but his rationality was not welcome in the dimension of rage alone, so he was deftly thrown into a pit of diabetic cockroaches. These cockroaches entered Ultima Formation Z and became Diabeto, a manchild so fat Chris-chan orbits him. Diabeto consumed Peredur, but he wielded the power of rock. He pulled his guitar from the rage sub-dimension and cut a pentagon-shaped hole through Diabeto’s gut, then chopped him up into lego-shaped pieces, which he used to build a ladder to escape the cockroach pit.

There was nothing left of the rage dimension but trenches and barbed wire fences. Pendulum had gone to war, but Gareth was eating his toes in the 3rd dimension like a chucklefuck because he queefs through his dick. El Hornet got stuck in a bee trap with Bee, where they drank themselves to oblivion and became a singular entity which jerks off to German feet inflation porn. It was within this bloody war that Rob invented the art of cutlery-based warfare, which he dubbed Knife Party. He summoned Gareth from the 3rd dimension by playing Hot Cross Buns on the flute in his pants, the tool which hath skewered the orifices of numerous females of all shapes, sizes, ages, and home planets. But it was a disgusting hypocrite, for it loathed all other elongated instruments of ecstasy; they were jetlag, as far as Rob’s flute was concerned. Rob trained Gareth in the almighty tactics of Knife Party warfare, and together they decimated the fuck out of the enemy forces and brought glory to their newfound Knife Party Nation. They erected a palace which resembled a cathedral covered in knives rather than religious motifs, in which they perused more pussy than A Pimp Named Slickback on poppers, but never laid so much as a saucy glance upon one another. They were blessed with the sacred holiness of Bromance.

Rob got sick of fighting over the tub so he tore open Gareth’s ribcage, ripped out his heart and stuffed it up Judas’ bladder, to pickle it for later for use as a trump card against the EDM death machine hoards. He replaced Gareth’s heart with a chainsaw motor and removed his bowels and bladder, in their place installing a battery which is refueled by the crying of pitiful, succulent little monkey larvae. Finally, Rob devoured Gareth’s skin, replacing it with a nanomachine-fabric, self-cleaning wonderskin. Gazborg was now perfect, but pooted toxic gas which made Rob’s hair turn green and his goatee fall out and into a dimension inhabited by sentient computer monitors, which revered it as an idol and worshipped it like idiots.

The stars of the woodlice galaxy…


	21. peeeeeeeeeeenisulum part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ulum

The stars of the woodlice galaxy, with the power of the scalp-slurping fey, ended the feud between the entities which composed Pendulum, just in time for a new album, and restored Gareth’s squishy, multicellular eukaryote flesh. They united again at long last, but Gareth was a pariah because his hair was inadequate compared to the flawless fros of the magical bishies he shared this band called Pendulum with. He would be kicked the way of Paul Kodish if he did not complete a dangerous series of tasks to achieve perfect hair forever.

The first task was the most sadistic, like a Saw film directed by Jigsaw. It entailed slaying 564 bibles, which were eating the eyes of the denizens of a new nation called Swoodint. Without eyes, the Swoodints couldn’t build spacecraft, their primary export, instead bowing to their bible overlords all day every day, decimating the economy of their young nation. And Gareth had to slay every single bible with his cross necklace!

Swallowing his apprehension, for he knew this was a necessary evil, Gareth charged right through the gates of the Swoodint Senate, which was a cathedral hedged by thorny crowns, and shrouded in fog made of Jesus’ final tears. Brandishing his sharpened necklace, he burst right through the front doors and impaled the bible king, who shrieked; this shriek was one which could be heard only by true believers, a shriek of faith. It made Gareth’s ears implode, becoming miniature black holes which ate the rest of the bibles. But the bibles had to die by the might of Gareth’s cross necklace. This simply would not do.

Without a twinge of fear, Gareth tore off his ears, merged them, then jumped in, pursuing the bibles with cross in hand. In this void, the laws of Gareth’s universe did not apply, so the bibles melted into a puddle of water which was not water but wine, and solidified into the true form of God. This form could not be grasped by any mortal, no matter how deep their faith ran. God fired an attack at Gareth, the true form of which he could not grasp. God then did materialize demonic priests and flung them, like rusty barbed wire harpoons, at Gareth, who was nicked by one but evaded the rest. Gareth grabbed the priest who scratched him by his testicles, the one spot which was not covered in barbed wire, and flung him at God, the barbed wire impaling It and dousing Gareth in Its mystical life’s blood. Gareth then hurled his cross at the intangible being which was everything and nothing, impaling It at Its amorphous core. The shock of being struck by silver, the bane of supernatural beings, caused God to explode in a flurry of flaming tornadoes made of 6th dimensional matter and damnation itself, which hurdled Gareth back into the third dimension, just outside the gates of the Swoodint Senate. The building turned grey and cracked, then crumbled into a pile of pitiful ashes. Gareth had gone against his nature and slain God himself. The first rite of passage for perfect hair had been done.

Gareth returned triumphantly to the Pendulum cathedral, only to find it ruined as well. Sitting outside, his fellow bandmates handed him a handheld console, which he did not recognize. It had only one game, the hardest game ever created. Gareth’s second task was not to beat this game, but to locate its programmer, slaughter them, then bring their head back to the rubble of the cathedral.

Gareth drank God’s blood, granting him Its powers. But God lacked the power to make hair not suck, which is why It was almost as bald as he is. Gareth located the asshat instantly with his omniscience, then warped into his shower, where he was masturbating. Gareth transmuted his fist into a rusty hacksaw and, in one brutal swipe, cleaved the head of the bastard responsible for that asshole game clean off. He warped back and threw the head at KJ Sawka who ate it because he forgot to eat breakfast. He was too busy building a new Pendulum building out of drumsticks. Its execution was flawless; even Fallingwater sheds manly tears at the mere fact of its existence.

Gareth then realized: fuck this shit, he’s God now. Why does he have to impress these puny mortal chucklefucks? Gareth smited all but Rob by raining bloody lightning down upon their pathetic fleshy animal bodies, then flew around the world smiting the insolent creatures who worshipped lesser deities.

But one defiant little soul survived the Garapture. KJ Sawka’s soul merged with an Easter Island head, becoming a golem which was really just a cantaloupe…


	22. running on in the cold light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how could you do this to pendulum?

Rob Swire dropped his goatee in a pool of intestines and cheerleader frogs on fire, which pissed him off so much he destroyed FiXT Studio with his nose then beat the shit out of Klayton because only on Tuesdays will the whales tap dance to electro opera in the 89.46th dimension of the Hades Paradigm, a time when time doesn't flow, Gregory House is a Berenstain Bear, Pendulum are a rockabilly band and the members are greasers who lubricate sports cars with their sweaty dong excretions, and Guitar Hero is still relevant on a planet populated entirely by fat gay greasers (who are the spawn of Pendulum birthed during the Hades Paradigm) who locomote upon living tricycles, which are not really tricycles but Hindu gods turned into dragons by the master of the placenta dimension, which neighbors the 89.46th dimension, which it trades asbestos dildos and completely built Starbucks buildings in exchange for medicine to cure the penis flu, a disease invented by Gareth McGrillen's malevolent butt, which is actually the emperor of a butt planet which hates literally everything, and occupied by true and honest buttmunchers who oppress its indigenous people while crying that the butts are the true oppressors, but the butt planet was destroyed when Ben Mount danced on it, but his dance angered the opera whales who waged justice war on Ben but he slurped the whale planet up his dickhole and absorbed its powers, which he used to annoy Peredur, but Peredur transformed into a motorcycle, drove up Ben's dickhole, then fused with him, becoming a Transformer who changed Berenstain to Berenstein, but planet Tumblr couldn't handle it then threw Donald Trump penises at him, splitting him back into Ben and Peredur, who crossed piss streams to destroy planet Tumblr with a laser made of cum and discourse, but planet Tumblr got pregnant instead, discoursed about how planets can't get knocked up, then ran away to the Andromeda Galaxy, but on its way it tripped over a mole made of dark matter and became the stock market, but the stock market was actually just cocaine which revived the FiXT Studio and healed Klayton, who wanted revenge so he stole Rob's nose then sold it as a bong pipe on eBay, which sold to a kookaburra with no face and breadsticks for limbs which was the next evolutionary step for dinosaurs, but the bongaburra got buttsmashed by Gareth who ate the bird, then cackled as at long last he got to feast upon Rob's nose, which granted him Rob's singing powers, but also angered the Guitar Hero dimension so the notes attacked, but KJ Sawka destroyed them all then pressed "Edit - Undo", making this entire run-on sentence disappear and it never happened.


	23. dragon bird z

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck the mole opera

Gareth Mcgrillen was butthurt because a soap opera about moles got canceled and replaced by Dragon Bird Z. His butt turned into a tormented demon made of blood and agony itself, which destroyed the Pentheon and glued all of Gareth's bandmates to a giant hooker fly with a fetish for angler fish buttholes.

Rob ate one of the fly's fishlights, freeing him, so he turned Jupiter into a knife then cut the fly's head off with it, but this unleashed a plague of fish STDs upon the universe, and innumerable mini hooker walks (they didn't have wings due to complications from fishilis) waltzed out of their mom's corpse. They swarmed Rob and spanked him repeatedly until they whittled down his HP, making him faint and respawn in a glitched location because the Pentheon is gone.

Rob got a boner for no reason, so he built a jet ski out of dolphin faces then threw it at the Empire State Building, which sang a lullaby then pooped infinite spiders made of airplanes at Rob. Rob built a sword made of cockroaches, sucked all their bug peens off real quick, then skewered the building with the cockroach sausage fest rapier, which it was weak to because it was a paladin. The Empire State Building screamed as it was defeated, but Rob was branded a terrorist, so every single American citizen assembled into one big foot then kicked Rob back to Australia. He punched a kangaroo with his dick, but the kangaroo dickslapped him back, launching him into Zimbabwe. Stricken with deja vu, Rob ate a giraffe, then burned down the nearest civilization and snorted the ashes of the children.

Snorting the ashes turned every American into a communist.

The reformed Americans rebuilt the Pentheon. The gods returned home. But it wasn't really the Pentheon, it was the reincarnation of the Empire State Building, who wanted revenge so he trapped everyone inside!

"Nooo! There's no TV service and I'm missing Dragon Bird Z!" Gareth sobbed. He was over the mole opera.

There was a radio, but all it ever played were Rob sex noises on perpetual loop.

Rob tried to fuck the radio, to make it change the song, but the PLUR police ripped his dick off and accused him of 69 crimes at once, causing a planet to smash him before he ever got a fair trial. This enraged Phoenix Wright, who flew to the scene riding upon an alien lightning dolphin made of tornado swords.

"OBJECTION!" roared Phoenix, breaking time and reviving Rob. The planet, which was planet Tumblr, pleaded innocent uwu, but Phoenix wasn't having it so he morphed into a prosecutor then punched Tumblr with his cravat. He turned back into a defense attorney. The cravat morphed back into a tie.

Rob wanted to thank Phoenix, but Phoenix got possessed by a greaser hot dog bun, turning him permanently into a criminal. He bit Rob's nose off, which he sold to the most spoiled Garob fan on all of Tumblr. She hammered the nose into the shape of a dildo then punched it up Gareth's ass, while yelling at him because his beard is no longer the pencil beard which was her greatest and deepest fantasy.

Gareth rubbed his full fledged man beard on her face, making her explode, showering everyone with poison made of rage alone and enraging planet Tumblr. It roared as it charged into the space formerly occupied by the Pentheon, to do battle with the Empire State Building over who gets to kill Rob. The building roared as he summoned chainsaws from the chainsaw dimension then threw them at Tumblr, but Tumblr was armed and dangerous, and shot them all down with anon hate rapid fire. The sheer quantity of hate spam was so overwhelming, the Empire State Building deactivated then ran away to planet 4chan where he sparked a revolution and blew up Tumblr with a salvo of innumerable shitpost missiles.

But now 4chan needed new victims to troll, and Pendulum were the closest sentient things!

"TROLLOLOLOL EPIC WEEN!!1!" cackled the planet, shaped like a face made of schadenfreude itself, as it revived the Pentheon, except every place to sit gave the Pendulum boys wedgies and the TV broadcasted only an alternate universe version of Dragon Bird Z which was exactly the same except the avian protagonists were Pendulum, and every episode consisted of a creatively new gay sex orgy among the band members rather than creatively new ways to defeat aliens.

Gareth was so hopelessly addicted to Dragon Bird Z, he ignored the wedgie hands fisting him as he watched himself getting fisted by Rob and Peredur at the same time on the Trollvision, caring not for seasonal rot, for the show was still Dragon Bird Z.

Rob Swire was hungry. The only food in the Troll Pentheon was made from dicks. Rob took a Rasputin dick out of the pickle jar, chopped it up then put it between slices of foreskin. He spread the only condoment, a sandwich topping made from jizz, between the foreskin slices, then bagged the sandwich in a giant condom. He made 30 more sandwiches, to prepare for the second butt pirate invasion, then sat down on a fist next to Gareth to watch some TV.

Gareth and Rob gazed, transfixed, as they watched every episode of troll Dragon Bird Z.

When the final episode ended and freed their minds, a year had passed. They were hungry. They got in the fridge and ate all the sandwiches.

The rest of the bandmates were hungry, but there was no food now. Kevin turned into his hibernation cantaloupe, but he became a ballsack instead due to the troll Pentheon's influence. Ben, El Hornet, and Peredur chopped up the giant nutsack and ate it.

The remaining band members all sat down to reruns of Dragon Bird Z. They thought about Tumblr.


	24. birth of the universe part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how is peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeendildolum unniverse formed

The alpha and omega swung tirelessly in a vacant void, where nothing else existed save for a singularity, located at the fulcrum. This solitary particle of existence was composed of one part light, one part darkness and bound together by neutrality.

The original brotherhood, the yin, yang, and boundary, buzzed harmoniously for eons. But the motion of space and time was not as sure or perpetual as it seemed. A knife, which screeched as it hurdled itself into the empty world from a foreign dimension made entirely out of sound, impaled and tore asunder the three natures of the singularity. The dark component would multiply into dark matter and antimatter. The light nature formed stars. The neutral particle gave birth to ordinary matter.

Each element required a deity to maintain balance. From the dark matter and nothingness of space congealed a sharp-looking man composed of pure shadow, his nose symbolizing the knife of the Big Bang and his mysterious darkness encompassing the great unknown. From the light another man was born, his soft features representing the gentle glow of morning light. Finally, a third figure, a square looking man embodying the building blocks of matter, was born, completing the stability of the primordial universe, with three figures to watch over it all.Though a universe had been crafted, it was still without motion. The god of darkness and space was the first to speak. He uttered the divine names of the Original Three orchestrators: "Rob Swire, master of darkness. Gareth McGrillen, ruler of light. Paul Harding, keeper of balance."

Rob whisked his wispy hand across the abyss, giving birth to three more beings who were instantaneously born from his shed arm hairs. The first was the god of time, who maintained quantum rhythm by the beat of divine drums. An athletic god managed large scale motion, and a wiry, kinetic entity created life, vessels in which to inject motion.

Rob bestowed names upon his three children: Paul Kodish, god of time. Peredur ap Gwynedd, god of motion. Ben Mount, god of life.

Within their newfound Pentheon, the six gods presided over their thriving universe. But the time god grew weary of his job and sought out a suitable replacement.

Paul Kodish sent a magic sperm to a small planet orbiting a bland star. Upon this rock, populated by animals created in the gods' image, a demigod with the power to explode full-blooded gods with a single kick would be born soon thereafter to a virgin mother.

The kawaii desu demigod, named Kevin Sawka, rose to the Pentheon, where he took over as the god of time with the drums inherited from his father, and made from his forlorn hair. (As the time god, no one made fun of him for his rare genetic disorder from being a demigod, where he sometimes turned into a cantaloupe.)

The six gods continue to run the universe in their Pentheon to this day.


	25. pyramid scheme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is how you rich

To catch mom's underwear, you gotta chomp it, and put it in a bag, and then sell it for 29 cents.


	26. shitpost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is shit don't read it

Gareth McGrillen had a seismic butthole spasm because he got a poopdick from a hot dog greaser/watersport cockroach hybrid named Dertifrank. Dertifrank was the sweetest girl Gareth has ever met, but she didn't have a vagina, there was only an anus and a cloaca, so she had two poop holes instead.

Gareth wiped the dickpoop off using Rob Swire's headmop as a towel. This pissed Rob off, so he withdrew from his furry butthole a family of crabs who thought he was a sea cucumber, then pelted Gareth with them.

Gareth had Rob's ass crabs dangling from his face, so he went to his chamber, grabbed the litterbox he got for Dragonmas to control his floorshits, then dumped the litterbox, which has not been scooped in over 3 years, all over Rob.

Rob Swire's rage sublimated. He took a shit on the floor, breaking the natural order of the Pentheon, smeared it upon his furry knifedick, then skewered Gareth's stupid head with his poopdick, giving Gareth a poopburger!

Gareth refused to concede defeat. He tore Atlantis out of Ben's dickhole, the buildings of which were made of dickcheese, then assaulted Rob with the smegma skyscrapers. Rob snorted them up his butthole, coated them with his buttfudge, then shit the poopsicles back at Gareth, pinning him against a wall. Gareth ate them to free himself, pooped them out into a giant shitrocket, then flew upon it to Japanitaly where he rebuilt Shit Mountain and revived the extinct shitbeetle race. Eternally grateful, the shitbeetles took Gareth's side, feeding him an endless supply of shit which he converted into his own poo with which he completely swamped Rob's entire sleeping chamber.

Rob had enough of this shit. He went back in time and stole his own umbilical cord and placenta from his newborn self. He went back to the future, made a lasso with the afterbirth, then used it to trap Gareth.

Rob cackled as he could finally exact revenge upon Gareth. He lined his butt up with Gareth's face then took a gargantuan, seemingly endless dump into Gareth's mouth. Gareth swallowed it all because he was part horse.

Eventually, Rob's poo traveled through Gareth's system and out of his poophole. It dropped into the shape of a bee. The poop pile turned into an actual, living bee, who took off into the sunset on the hunt for vodka.

Gareth and Rob shed a tear in unison as their shit child grew up much too fast. They went to the computer chamber where they circlejerked to SWEET POOPY LOVE (MUSIC VIDEO).


	27. shitpost part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath of the shitstorm

Shit was now illegal in the universe and beyond after the shit that went down in the Pentheon last chapter.

Gareth McGrillen had magnum morning wood, the likes of which could only be relieved with a massive dump. He was so mad, he broke bad and entered the rebel scat porn industry.

But the king of hipsters was not having it, for it gave his monopoly on crusty diaper porn a run for its money!

The hipster king, enraged, started shooting the Pentheon with diaper missiles. This was the first battle of the Porn Wars.

Gareth retaliated with his butt, which was not really a butt, but a Scatling gun.

Gareth's initial payload missed, flew all the way to London and ruined Hershel Layton's cup of morning tea. Professor Layton had shit in his tea, so he flew to the Pentheon, punched Gareth's tushy cannon off, then tore Gareth's stomach open and shoved the fabulous ass inside. Professor Layton breathed fire, lifted the Pentheon with his mind, then used it to smack the king of hipsters into Mars, which he mated with on camera, creating a new porn industry.

But the planet porn industry bombed, for there was only one person in the universe who was into it. It was the first nose Rob shed as an adult, after his final molt from his juvenile form, which was a cockroach with a pendulum for a placenta, although his head looked the same. This placenta only fell off in the molt to the human adult form. Before the ultimate molt, Rob was a feral wild animal and had to fend for himself, the navel blade being the pinnacle of evolution for both hunting and self-defense.

Rob Swire gazed backwards in time. Nostalgic tears deluged, as he reminisced upon the days when he could not cry from his compound eyes, instead spending his nights raiding fridges and pooping in the very houses he squatted in, then making off with his food booty right before they woke.

Rob wanted to be a placentaroach again, so he shattered time with a hypersonic bass drop then returned to his past. He caught and ate his past self, assimilating him and taking his place in the timeline. Rob returned to his larval form, then realized he really hates Tim McIlrath because he's a discount Gareth McGrillen.

Rob forgot why he traded giant death axes for lil tiny pussy-ass midget swords. He tried to make a dove out of cardboard, but the hard paper turned into a shark which had dicks instead of claspers, and dickslapped Rob into the anus of a sea cucumber. Rob snorted the sea animal's ass crabs up his nose (he was the only roach that breathed through its face and not its ass), converted them to poopoo, stole Gareth's Scatling gun, then murdered Tim McIlrath with rapid fire sea cucumber asshole-crab shit from his best friend's superior posterior.

But Tim McIlrath had Auto-Life active so he came back to life. He stole the Scatling gun then swamped Rob in his vegan poop, becoming the world's most wanted criminal.

A lawn chair meteor knocked Tim McIlrath silly, changing his brown eye to blue and ruining his magic powers. Furious, Tim took his own eyes out, caught Rob, put him in a roach jar, then smeared the ruined Rise Against eyes upon Rob's face, to punish him for his shit-shooting hypocrisy.

Rob ate the eye paste, making his eyes turn shit brown. Rob now had the power, so he cast the mightiest spell, so forbidden that it had no name, which killed the shit out of Tim McIlrath, literally, by making all the shit in his digestive tract explode, shredding him to fleshy shrapnel. From the ruined meat, Rob, using his shitty witchcraft, crafted another Scatling gun for himself, installed it upon his flat roach ass, then gave Gareth his butt back.

Gareth and Rob ruled over the universe with dual Scatling guns. No one would dare rebel against them again.


	28. bug luvin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> think sexy thoughts: bugs with boobs

Rob Swire sat in his bathtub, a rubber ducky made of soap roosting upon his head.

He made his decision: he was tired of Filgaia being stupid.

Rob smashed into the surface of Filgaia. He charged up his fists, then crushed Valeria Chateau, causing a quantum ripple which turned it into the Rygs Mansion.

Fereydoon was pissed because his house was now a pancake, so he dug through the rubble, withdrew some of the witches which infested his basement, then pelted Rob with them, leaving welts on his nose.

Rob minced the witches into subatomic quarks with his lumpy nose, then snorted them, making his eyes explode and his essence become fire tornadoes.

Filgaia imploded for no reason, then a wormhole opened up and a hand made of night crawlers snatched Rob and dragged him into the bug dimension.

Every living being was an invertebrate in this world. It is the home dimension of the placentaroaches, where they were gods. The people of this dimension's Japanitaly chose Rob to lead them to greatness.

But Rob was lazy and just wanted to find bug Kora in this world and do nasty, buggy things to her. The people were disappoint, so they trapped Rob in a cocoon made of placenta, an effigy to mock the lesser, stupid animals of this world, worth naught but ecological filler.

Rob found bug Kora, but there was a complication. Kora was not a placentaroach like him, but rather a tittymantis, a rival species which has been warring with their round counterparts for eons.

Tittymantises are viviparous like placentaroaches and other sapient peoples, but instead of using a placenta, they nurse their unborn children with internal uterine boobies. The entire surface of a tittymantis, even the males, is covered in hundreds of tits. They need this because exactly 227.5 tittymantises are born in every litter, without fail. Every other birth, the half-tittymantis seeks out a mate to combine with and form one whole one. The half-mantises are born via parthenogenesis, so fusing with another half-mantis produces a genetically complete female tittymantis. This form of wildcard mating made the tittymantises the most genetically diverse and evolutionarily threating race in the entire multiverse. Even the gods called Pendulum fear the tittymantises, for they are so evolutionarily mighty, they made the Zerg go extinct. They even figured out viviparity without the disgusting ropesteak, or bleeding uterine waste. You don't fuck with womb boobs.

But Rob wanted to. His aedeagus pulsated with excitement at the thought of Kora eating him alive after the most taboo sex between enemy species.

Rob looked her up on Bugmatch, because even in a dimension populated entirely by bugs he was too awkward to meet other bugs face to face. They hit it off just as they did in the Pendulum dimension, exchanged a dirty conversation filled to the brim with voracious fantasies, then agreed to meet up in Mantispain, the nation with the highest population ratio of tittymantises to placentaroaches.

Rob entered the country of Mantispain, wearing a tittymantis suit, so he wouldn't be eaten on sight. He took a taxi to Kora's house.

Rob arrived, but was greeted by the most neurotic of parents, who hated any and all unfamiliar faces. Her dad tried to chop Rob's head off with his claws, which are tipped with the hardest nipples imaginable, hard enough to poke through diamond.

Rob's disguise was blown. He jumped out of the suit then skittered towards the door, while Kora's parents entered a frenzied feeding mode and pursued him.

Kora heard the commotion. She headed downstairs.

"What's going on down h----oh, my boyfriend's here."

Rob jumped into his girlfriend's nipple-claws; she took off with him to Skitterland, the world's most progressive nation where the two races live together in perfect harmony.

They checked into a hotel, where they had the whole night to themselves. Rob crawled up Kora's vagina, which was actually an inverted tit like the rest of a tittymantis' organs. He pleasured her by crawling around inside of her, while getting himself off by rubbing his aedeagus against her walls.

Eventually, Rob made it inside of her womb. He found an ovum which had just been released, then jacked off on it. The placentaroach revolution was nigh.


	29. ascension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rob ascends

Rob Swire's nose has ascended, and now has an edge mightier than diamond.

Rob slashed the universe asunder with his razor nose, opening a portal to a parallel dimension where people are consumed by their placentas at birth, who then enter mech suits and are the sentient beings of Altearth.

From the portal to Altearth flew the anti-gods, Placentulum. Their body suits looked like the Pendulums of the Earth dimension, except instead of faces there were translucent visors showing the sentient placentas controlling the suits. There was also no skin tone on the suits; they were cast entirely in gunmetal gray and carbon fiber black.

Meanwhile, in another parallel dimension, Bob Thompson grew mad with power because Dildolum had been goddesses for too long. She enslaved all the cockroaches of planet Shitearth, because she's fat like that.

Meanwhile, Peeeeeeeeeeendulum of Eaaaaaaaaarth in dimeeeeeeeeeension Eeeeeeeeeeeee were preparing for war.

The warring factions went to the past. They fought viciously, but forbidden, masturbatory love between Bob Thompson and Rob Swireeeeeeeeeee blossomed.

Bob and Rob mated. Bob gave birth to a son. His parents, being the uncreative weeaboos that they were, named him Rob Swire. His mother left him at an Australian doorstep, where he was raised by mortal parents. But the placenta dimension disapproved of his normalcy, so they cursed him. From then on, Rob would be a placentaroach in a living, growing and developing ape suit. Others would be oblivious to his true nature, until he became the god of space.

On the day of his ascension, Rob exacted divine judgment unto the people of Earth for oppressing his stupider, less evolved kin of this dimension. He rained pendulums of karma down upon the Earth, bisecting the world's sinners with the death axes of execution.


	30. the nose attacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the nose is tired of this shiz

Rob Swire's nose was tired of being the butt monkey of this story. It turned into a chainsaw, detached from Rob, killed him, cut down the Pentheon, then sawed the universe in half.

The dong vampires, the forgotten sub-race of the roach-mantis dimension, assembled a rag-tag army.

But that dimension also got cut in half by Rob's nose, who is actually the son of Beerus and, once in a millennium, grows tired of disguising himself as a sharp sniffer. He goes on unstoppable rampages, ending the excessive timelines which are born in his absence.

But the nose made a fatal mistake. It crossed into the Celllllllllldildodweller dimension, a binary dimension which intersects Scannnnnnnnnnndildodroid. The binary dimension system is ruled over by a pair of deities, the god of sound, Klayton, and the goddess of light, Miranda.

Miranda hungered for fuel to feed her growing offspring, the future deities of space and time. Without much-needed new deities, their world would forever be without matter, just a lonely shell of light and sound.

But because there was no matter, there was also no food in this world.

Miranda morphed into a tittymantis, then ate Klayton.

The nose showed up in the void which Miranda called home. She caught and ate the nose.


	31. witchcraft quest, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gareth must find a way to revive rob

Japanitaly of dimension peeeeeeeeeeeeendildolum has a well-documented and rich history, but little is known of the placentaroach dimension's planet Japanitaly.

Gareth McGrillen longed to know more about this mystical land. His true, meaty, bun-clad body jumped from human to tittymantis suit, because entering that dimension in a mammal body is not recommended.

On his way to Japanitaly, Gareth ManTitties got cut off by Odin wearing a thong, who slapped him with the two halves of placenta he stole from the heads of Castor and Pollux. Everything in this dimension is born live, but the life forms are divided into species nourished in-utero by a placenta, or womb boobs.

The placental and boobwomber factions have been warring with each other for eons, much longer than the placentaroach-tittymantis feud. Planet Japanitaly houses the longest ongoing war of all time, a war older than time: the feud between the navelspiders and the boobiebeetles.

Gareth would not be distracted or dragged into combat so easily. His interest in this land was not purely random; he traveled here because he heard the legend of the Lazarus Birth, forbidden witchcraft necessitating womb milk and placenta from all the warring species inhabiting this dimension, a surrogate mother, and a tittyturkey baster. Gareth was on a mission to revive Rob.

Gareth located the birthatorium, a specialized birthing facility. In this dimension, people don't give birth in general hospitals. A birthatorium is segregated into a placenta wing and a milk wing. These have different waste processing facilities to handle their respective afterbirths. The placenta wing also stocks scissors, needed to cut umbilical cords. Scissors are forbidden in milk wings after an accident in which a tittymantis infant's nipples got cut off by a drunk nurse.

That tittymantis child, who was named Rocky Balbooba, grew up to become famous and successful, despite the injury which left part of his face nippleless. His face, rather than ugly, was seen as uniquely handsome by tittymantis women across the cosmos, so he found success as an actor and porn star.

Gareth McGrillen had located the cathedral. It was decorated with eviscerated robot master corpses, the handle to the gates being none other than Mega Man's skull. Gareth ripped the helmet off of the rusted metal brain case, then stuffed it in his fabulous butt, to shuttle out of this dimension and give to Rob once Gareth revived him.

Security was tight. Tittymantis soldiers were hired personally by the manor keeper, who cared not to be bothered by any outside force. Gareth evaded them by nimbly traversing the gate which surrounded the manor. He arrived at the building. He spotted an open window.

The open window led to none other than the master's bedroom chamber.

"Hello, Gareth McGrillen from the monkey dimension. My name is Rocky Balbooba. I have been expecting you.

"It is a potion of revival that you seek, yes? It will take a mortal being such as yourself millennia to gather all the needed ingredients for the Lazarus Tonic. But I can bring them to you in an instant. For you see, I am the richest mantis in this entire dimension. Everyone bows to my will."

Mortal being. Those words pierced Gareth's soul. In dimensions ruled by monkeys, he was a god. But here, he was powerless. Rocky Balbooba was the god of this dimension, for he was the don of an inter-dimensional mafia which spanned across multiple dimensions bound by the same laws as this one. One of those laws granted mammals little to no power. Gareth was all but useless once removed from his primal element.

Gareth's train of thought was cut off as Rocky Balbooba spoke once more.

"If you accept my offer, I will ask, in return, one favor from you. Return to your home dimension, kill the simian one known as Sylvester Stallone, then bring me his skull to complete my collection. That's all I ask. The potion making, the gathering of ingredients, my entire dimension will cover that for you.

"Oh, and, when you come back, if you come back, please don't wear that disguise. All the breasts look so fake like a bad anime, it's an affront to my people. Would you like it if I showed up in your dimension wearing a shaved chimpanzee suit and called myself a human? Show some respect."

Gareth nodded. He made a portal back to the Pentheon with the space-time rippers he installed in the suit's nipple-claws.

After returning to his standard body, Gareth grabbed the chainsaber from his light saber cabinet. He hopped in his private Millennium Falcon, located Sylvester Stallone with the Pentheon's magic satellite system, then blasted off in his direction.


	32. witchcraft quest, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the quest continues

Gareth returned to the Pentheon with the head. It was almost morning.

As he prepared for his return to the tittymantis dimension, Gareth was taken in by the nascent dawn peering in through the stained glass window which adorned his bedroom wall. It reminded him of his true self, before he was reborn as the patron deity of light. Before his death in the world that existed before.

Suddenly, Gareth McGrillen remembered everything. He remembered the world where events had to follow causes, when the laws of physics were consistent and boring. Before all of reality was fractured, and only partially salvaged by him and his friends.

He, and his bandmates, had just finished performing live as Pendulum for what would ultimately prove to be the last time. Shortly after the performance, Gareth checked his Twitter. He had been tweeted a link to a Star Wars fanfiction.

Baited successfully, Gareth clicked the link. What he read instead was a graphic Garob story the likes of which traumatized him. Gareth fell into a deep depression, unable to remove the story from his head. He was so desperate to cleanse it from his soul, he read the only fanfiction on the site called "Archive of Our Own" which wasn't Garob slash.

This story, penned by a mad woman, destroyed what little remained of Gareth's sanity. He fell so deep into depression, the only thing which comforted him was an endless supply of hamburgers. With the lawless wasteland of a story eternally cemented in his head, he ate and ate and ate. The story, rereading itself to him in an endless loop, granted Gareth an extradimensional power, the power to pierce the veil and transgress the laws of the normal world.

Gareth consumed 101 hamburgers, but did not gain a single pound. This paradox resulted in Gareth's stomach imploding, becoming a black hole. This black hole consumed Gareth, his band mates, and eventually the rest of existence. But this was not a normal black hole, for it was one born from a fracture in the laws of nature. This error hole had a cap on how much it could hold unlike other black holes; eventually it went over capacity and exploded, all the matter it consumed compressed into a single knife. The very knife which split apart the singularity which gave birth to the new world.

The band members, as well as a few select people of interest, survived the stomach-induced rapture, and subsequent genesis of the new world, as spirits. These spirits would possess objects which pertained to the last thing they were doing before the rapture. it was for naught, as they constructed shells to simulate their original bodies in the old world anyway.

Gareth snapped out of his flashback, and suddenly, everything became clear to him. Rob's death wasn't really a death, the nose is not a villain but rather an antihero committing a necessary evil, and Rocky Balbooba has an ulterior motive for wanting Rob's free spirit locked away in a fleshy monkey shell once more.

No, Gareth understood now. Rob's ghost has not lost life, but rather gained freedom, freedom to traverse neodimensions, ones which are just developing their own laws of physics. Once he finds a suitable dimension, he can reconstruct a proper, sane world, free of the non-sequitur madness which causes the ghosts of former band members endless suffering.

Gareth eyeballed the skull. He took it into the bathroom, bleached it, then placed the Mega Man helmet upon it instead.

As Gareth finished mounting the skull to a plaque and draping it over the central fireplace, a rift opened inside the fireplace.

Ouit of the fireplace stepped Rocky Balbooba.

"You took something from me, Gareth. Did you think I would never find out?"

Rocky Balbooba sicced his entire army upon Gareth, but he had forgotten something crucial. In Gareth's home dimension, bugs are nigh powerless, so his army was dispatched with ease by Gareth's chainsaber. Gareth snatched up Rocky Balbooba, who was now the size of a normal mantis, not man-sized as he is in his home dimension, then put him in a jar with naught but air holes so he could breathe.

Gareth collected all the afterbirth from the fallen, pregnant soldiers. He brewed the Lazarus Birth potion.

Another rift appeared inside the fireplace. Out came Rob's soul.

"Gareth, I have wonderful news. I found a neodimension which is stable and sane enough that we can rebuild our livelihoods there. No more Empire State Building attacks, or harassment from the hipster king. We can once again live in a normal world!"

Gareth air-hugged his best friend, because he can't really hug a ghost. "You mean Donald Trump won't be President of the United States for real in that world?"

"Gareth, I said normal, not perfect. Weird things happen even in normal worlds. We just have to accept that. Haven't we been through enough as it is?"

Rob was right; Gareth couldn't be more ready to once again live in a consistent world where the laws don't change at completely random times.

"Alright, I got a Lazarus Potion ready. Once you're done building the new world, I'm all set to revive you."

Rob re-entered the portal. Gareth awaited his return.


End file.
